


Feeling The Fall

by R_E_R6



Category: 9-1-1: Lone Star (TV 2020)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Coma, Coma dreams, Feelings Realization, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, TK has lots of complicated feelings, This Got Way Longer Than I Expected
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-10
Updated: 2020-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:28:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23087767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/R_E_R6/pseuds/R_E_R6
Summary: 5 times TK saw how happy he could have been with Carlos if he hadn't pulled away +1 time he decides to follow his heart and go for it.AKA TK has a trippy coma dream that makes him realise how much he wants to be with Carlos.
Relationships: Carlos Reyes (9-1-1 Lone Star)/TK Strand, Carlos Reyes/TK Strand
Comments: 13
Kudos: 293





	Feeling The Fall

**Author's Note:**

> This was a little 5+1 that got way out of hand and very metaphorical, let me know what you think :D

When faced with death, most say their life flashes before their eyes like a movie as they sit alone in the theatre and smile at all the memories. For TK, this was not the case. 

Instead he dreams about what could have been. They all show the points where he went wrong, where his need to protect his heart caused him more hurt. They told tales of what might have happened if he hadn’t pushed his feelings aside. Distant glimpses of what he could have if he had let his heart soar free from it’s steel cage and lift him through the air, high on his own emotions. They show him how happy he could be if he just let himself feel it.

At the end of each branch of the ever-growing tree were bursts of warmth and light. At the end of each story was the same blurred happy ending drawing him closer and he yearned to follow the branches, to step forward and see the beauty of the future just out of his reach. 

But he can’t. His feet are encased in the dying roots and they’re anchoring him to the ground. He wants to scream, to hack at them and curse the world but when he yells all that rips from his throat is his own name, and in the dark, damp pit of decaying roots he only sees shadows of himself and the glinting shields that encapsulate his heart. He can’t move closer, held back too strongly by his own misguided precautions and as he watches the opportunities pass by he realises the problem. It’s him. He’s holding himself back. And with that realisation he knows what he has to do.

So he fights. He yanks at the roots with his feet, the determination to climb growing stronger with each movement, overcome with the need to be free, to climb, to reach the rainbow of light shining through the treetop. Beams of soft pink light drift from the trees like blossoms in spring, pooling at his feet until he can’t see the darkness. The roots loosen, his legs feel lighter, and with two more yanks both feet are freed easily, as if lifted by the light. 

From there the next challenge is climbing. It seems daunting, staring up at the tall tree trunk, trying to figure out where to grip, where to step, how he’ll possibly make it. But he knows he wants to, needs to. It’s not a choice. His heart is pounding at his chest, the force of the hits knocking him forwards and shocking him from his doubtful thoughts. He needs to climb, needs to try, no matter how hard it seems. 

So he does.

He lifts one foot from the ground and the shimmering petals follow, clouding around his feet with every movement and holding him up. It’s like climbing a ladder, only the rungs form wherever he steps. For a moment he stares in amazement at his feet, hovering above the ground held up by nothing but delicate light, frozen with awe until a spark kisses against the skin of his cheek. Lifting his hand to the tingling skin he feels the softness of a petal under his hand and holds it in his palm, feels it pulling him upwards as a thin rainbow rises from it to join the one calling him at the top. 

He takes the hint and continues to move towards the light, reaching for the sturdy branches as he goes. 

The first branch that throbs to life under TK’s hands sends a shock wave through him. He hadn’t been expecting the heat and tingling that shoots up his spine, drawing his gaze to the glimmering leaves. As the watches them, he feels the colours invading his mind, filling his head with vibrant images, similar but so different. He sees himself rushing to redress and Carlos sprawled on the couch behind him making no move to stand. It’s like the air around them twinkles and he can sense the feelings in the air. He knows Carlos is in no rush to snap out of their post-sex afterglow. Not like TK had been.

The thought fills TK with dread and he prepares to watch himself run scared, leaving Carlos alone. He wants to look away, doesn’t want to see his failure with the clarity he hadn’t had at the time. Then everything had felt muted, dull, like the world was muffled, now though he can see and feel everything going on and he doesn’t want to. He’d tortured himself with thoughts of this day too many times to count already as he questioned time and time again whether or not he should have stayed and given Carlos a chance. In the end he’d decided not to risk it. It would hurt less. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t still hurt though. 

It doesn’t happen. Instead of leaving, TK watches himself letting Carlos pull him closer until he lands in the other man’s lap. His lips are immediately pulled into a kiss that sends his heart soaring at how delicately Carlos cradles his neck and hip to pull him closer. To see how much Carlos wants him closer.

The smile takes over his face without permission as the scene plays on. It’s cute, he thinks as he watches the soft kissing and playful banter before they finally have to pull apart to go to work. It feels too real and he finds himself laughing along as Carlos denies his request to drive with a quip of “I’m not letting you near by baby, New York, do you even know how to drive?”

He aches for the soft smile that drifts across his face as he looks out the window at the passing streets, for the warmth he feels when his eyes flit to Carlos’ every so often and sparkle with a happiness he doesn’t recognise in his own eyes. And as Carlos pulls up to the station, the scene fading to a blur just as he opens his door and helps him from the car, he wants nothing more than to see how it ends. 

He doesn’t get to. The light quickly fades, the branch beginning to decay under his hands and he scrambles higher in panic. Once secure on a new branch he looks down and sees the destruction following him. The roots have turned against the tree now, climbing up behind him, determined to drag him back into the pit of despair below. TK takes a deep breath, tests the light beneath his feet, and continues climbing away from the dread below. 

He’s climbed a few more branches and gained some distance between himself and the darkness before he feels the familiar tingle surge through him. This time his own bright yellow hoodie catches his eyes first and TK watches as Carlos pushes him away gently and leads him to the table set for a date. A hopeful tune chimes softly in TK’s ears and he’s not sure where it’s coming from, doesn’t remember any music playing when this had played out in reality. All he remembers is the way he’d freaked out when Carlos had mentioned a proposal and left him with food for two and no one to share it with. He’d thought about that a lot, for days after he’d all but sprinter out of the door. He’d wondered if Carlos ever ate, or if he’d ruined the other man’s appetite. 

As he watches now thought, he only sees joy. He doesn’t leave, he doesn’t run. Instead they talk. He explains, and Carlos understands. They trade jokes and flirty comments. Carlos enjoys having him around and as the meal goes on and the hopeful sound changes to a joyful chorus he realises that the sound is coming from him. From the deep desire he’d previously silence in a bid to keep from listening to his heart. Having feelings meant getting hurt. Except this time the pain doesn’t come. 

TK doesn’t go home that night and stare at his bedroom ceiling body stiff and exhausted yet unable to sleep. No, this time he settles with Carlos on the couch, fighting sleep because he doesn’t want the night to end. Carlos lets him. He pulls him closer, settling with TK in his arms and admires him as he tries and fails to keep his eyes open. Then as TK falls to sleep he strokes his hair gently and allows himself to fall too. 

It’s sweet and peaceful, and so different from nights spent with Alex. TK yearns for it and mourns the loss as the darkness catches up, the dead bark crumbling beneath his fingertips. He looks down and feels the dread within him climbing the same way the crippling emptiness creeps up the tree, stalking him in the same way his fears have for so long. TK’s jaw locks, teeth grinding together as he turns and forces himself to keep moving and not let it catch him. 

He moves swiftly upwards, with surefooted and precise movements. He sticks to the trunk, resisting the call of the colourful branches.  _ They’re slowing me down,  _ He thinks,  _ I need to reach the top, I don’t have time.  _

The tree seems to disagree. Between one step and the next he feels a tugging against his foot. He panics, thinking the darkness had caught him and kicks against it, but as it’s warmth consumes him he looks down and sees the familiar branches gripping him, still full of life and gently pulling him closer. He can’t move forward, it won’t let him. The darkness is still rising, creeping closer. Somehow he knows the tree won’t let him go until he’s seen what it wants him to see and he needs to keep going, so he gives in, steps down and reaches out his hand. 

The feeling is familiar and fond and TK’s worries fade away as the brightness consumes him again. This time he’s alone on his couch. It’s familiar and he knows exactly what is going on. He knows his dad is out, he knows the thoughts plaguing his mind, and he knows that the phone in his hand is open to his text thread with Carlos as he tries to build up the courage to type out what he wants to say. 

He knows, deep down, that he didn’t. He knows he couldn’t work up the courage to apologise to Carlos and reach out to the one friend he didn’t share with Judd to vent about their fight. What he’d actually done was order an uber and go to a sketchy bar to pick a fight with someone else. He’d done all that whilst gnawing on his bottom lip, hands shaking from his frustration. He hadn’t had the relieved smile he sees in the scene before him. 

Here, he watches as he pushes his thoughts aside and sends the text. As he receives a reply from Carlos saying that his shift is ending in an hour and that TK should come by and meet him. He hadn’t changed his shirt to go to the bar but he does now. He still gets an uber but it’s a little later and he heads the opposite direction.

Instead of being dragged into the station in handcuffs, he saunters in with a flirty smile and finds Carlos easily, feeling lighter at the pleased smile that takes over the other man’s face when he spots him. The hum of activity fades and all he hears is Carlos softly saying his name in greeting. 

They have a nice time, a great time in fact. Carlos takes him to a diner he’d mentioned before and is eager to introduce TK to the “best milkshakes in Austin”. They talk about the situation with Judd, and about anything else they can think of. It helps a lot more than it did getting his face punched and TK’s smile lights up his face. The longing is clear in both his mind and his heart. 

He wants that, and more, with Carlos. 

The regret builds as the image fades again, but this time he doesn’t look down as he keeps climbing. TK’s not giving up. He doesn’t need to see the fear charging after him because it doesn’t matter, he’s not going to let it get to him. 

The fourth branch is practically glowing and TK knows before he’s even near it that that’s the next one that will drag him into his own mind. Anticipation swells in his chest and he climbs faster towards it.  _ I need to see,  _ he tells himself, _ I need to keep climbing, I need to reach the top.  _

This time he almost rolls his eyes at himself. Of course it would choose to show him this. Their first date. For once TK had actually managed to push aside his anxieties and said yes when Carlos had asked him out. He’d been shocked to get that call, after his confession at the precinct he wasn’t sure Carlos would still be willing to date him and the question had him flustered. Elation built in his chest and forced out the agreement before he’d been able to overthink it, too awed that this amazing guy still thought he was worth dating. 

But of course he’d still messed it up. If spending the night talking about Judd wasn’t bad enough he’d made it worse when he’d left suddenly. He doesn’t even know why he did really. Carlos was flirting, TK had flirted back. He was enjoying it. Still, when he’d caught his dad’s eye across the bar and seen him indicate that he was leaving, TK had followed.

TK cringes at himself just thinking about the confused look Carlos had given him when he’d ended their conversation abruptly to leave. The one time he felt like he wasn’t messing things up, and yet he couldn’t help himself, he just had to find a way to ruin his own happiness with Carlos. 

As he watches the date end now he supposes it makes sense. It feels too real and at the time it had been confusing. He hadn’t been ready for a relationship. Still, he feels the sting of missed opportunity as he observes how differently the night could have ended. 

Without TK ending the night so soon, they wind up dragging out their date until closing. TK manages to convince TK that the one beer he’d nursed all night meant that he shouldn’t drive. Carlos raises his eyebrows, but eventually gives in to TK’s puppy dog eyes, smiling softly at TK’s triumphant grin. 

The darkness fades to light, the world around them waking up as Carlos directs him around town, just the two of them driving together feeling too alive to sleep. It’s a weird feeling. TK hasn’t felt this alive in so long. They end up leaned against the hood of the car, shoulders brushing softly as they watch the sun rise ahead of them and TK can’t help but think that the new day is the start of something. 

It feels daunting, but also spectacular and he wants to feel more of this. He wants more nights like this with Carlos, just being around each other and having a good time. It’s more freeing than he’d imagined to let himself grow closer. He’d thought it would feel claustrophobic but he finds himself enjoying the closeness. 

However it doesn’t last. The rising sun blinds his eyes causing him to wince, and when he opens them again all he sees are shimmering leaves in front of his eyes once again. 

The darkness is moving slower now. He doesn’t know how he knows because he hasn’t looked. It’s almost as if he can feel it, as if the impending sense of danger has all but dissipated. What hasn’t faded is his determination, and once again he lifts his eyes up to his goal and continues climbing. 

He’s almost at the top, light cascading down and cocooning him in warmth, when his hand touches the final branch and he’s pulled into his own mind once again. They’re in the car again, only this time Carlos is driving. It’s a short journey from Paul’s house to his and TK is still buzzing from the way he and Carlos had danced together at the club, making the journey seem even faster. 

He doesn’t feel any lingering sense of dread. He knows what changes here as soon as he realises what he’s seeing. He knows that when Carlos pulls into TK’s driveway he’s not going to let the awkwardness settle. He’s not going to feel the conflicting feelings this time when Carlos takes his hand. Most of all he’s sure, after all that he’s seen so far, that when Carlos leans in to kiss him he’s going to let him happen. 

And he’s right.

It’s the perfect end to a perfect night. It’s the ending he should have let himself have the first time. The ending he’d regretted not having as soon as he’d pulled away and closed the car door behind him. Even then he had wanted to turn back and let it happen, but he’d moved stiffly to the door, tears in his eyes, so sure that Carlos deserved better than someone who freaks out when he realises it would be their first time kissing without having sex. It would be something real and emotional and it would mean something more and TK had a moment of panic and doubt. He’d pulled away and immediately wanted to undo the action, but it felt like the damage had been done. He’d felt like he’d ruined it before it started just like he always had. So he’d ran again. 

Now though, he pushed those thoughts of the past aside and enjoys the giddiness coursing through him as the moment in front of him plays out. Excitement sparks through the air of the car, lighting a fire in TK’s chest as his epiphany sets in. He wants this. 

He wants to feel what it’s like to give in to his feelings. To let his heart soar free and send him flying through moments like this in reality rather than just in his dreams. He wants Carlos, and he wants to give them a real chance. He wants to let himself feel loved, and feel love for another person. 

He wants to feel. 

The thought continues to echo as the vision fades, pulsing through his mind as the darkness creeps towards him. The darkness is spreading fast, stretching out into the air, completely surrounding him and destroying the tree he stands on. TK’s eyes widen in panic and he reaches up to the light again, desperate to escape, but freezes. 

_ Thump, thump, thump, thump. _

Another pulsing sound reaches his ears, growing louder and louder beneath him, faster and faster as his fear creeps closer and begins to suffocate him. Faster, louder, more frantic and desperate. Demanding.  _ Like a racing heart _ .

That thought stops him dead.

TK hesitantly lifts his hand to his chest, confusion ripping through him as he realises his heart isn’t racing to match his panic. At least not in his chest. His chest is still and motionless, empty. 

His mouth snaps open around a gasp and his eyes dart down to the decaying roots of the tree. The light above him is dimming, the colours fading, but all TK can focus on is the glow of red radiating from the base of the tree. His heart. 

He barely recognises it without the many shields he’s spent so long placing around it. Now it beats freely, exposed and scarred, but still strong. It’s a beacon of hope amongst the darkness, calling out to TK and begging him to reclaim it. He wants to reclaim it. 

The branches beneath his feet begin crumbling and TK knows he’s out of time, that he has to choose. He takes one last look at the closing gap of light, at the hand still stretched towards it. It looks calm and painless, but TK feels nothing. It seems like the logical place to go.  _ Step into the light, light means hope, light means happiness, escape the fear. _

A few months ago he would have jumped into the light, he would have chosen the peace of the easy escape, but now it doesn’t call to him the way his heart does. He doesn’t want to feel at peace and empty. He wants to feel alive. He looks down at his heart and he wants it back, he wants to feel it beating in his chest and he doesn’t care if he has to face the darkness to get it. His heart is telling him it will be worth it.

So he lets himself fall.

  
  


The first thing TK feels is pain and for a second he worries. Then he feels his heart beating rapidly in his chest and he takes a shaky breath, forcing open his tired eyes. 

“TK?” 

He tries to answer but it comes out as a groan, his body not cooperating. Eventually his eyes stop fighting against him, and he manages to keep them open long enough to see Carlos smiling down at him with tears in his eyes.

“Hey it’s okay, Tyler. You’re okay”

_ I will be,  _ TK thinks,  _ we will be. I’m so glad you’re here. _

He drifts to sleep again, but this time it’s restful. His mind and heart are at peace with one another and he feels stronger the next time he wakes. 

  
  


“Carlos”

The name passes his lips before his eyes are open and as they finally do his head turns on autopilot, searching for him. He hears his dad’s amused scoff from beside him and snaps his head that way, groaning when his aching shoulder jostles sending pain shooting through his side.

“Woah, be careful. Carlos is getting us some coffee, he’ll be back any second just keep still okay? You’re still healing TK”

TK shakes his head, words scratching across his dry throat as he proclaims “I don’t want coffee, I want Carlos”

Owen chuckles and TK’s eyebrows turn down into a frown at the reaction.

“He’s getting coffee for me and him, you should have some water though” 

Owen stands up and pours some water in a cup. TK’s eyes flick to the door and then back when he sees the entrance is still empty.

“Carlos” He repeats softly, almost desperately.

Owen chuckles at him and helps him take slow sips of water whilst he speaks, “He’s here, he’ll be back okay? Way to make me feel unwanted kid”

The joke has TK’s cheeks flushing and Owen smiles brightly at seeing the colour on TK’s cheeks after so long of only looking pale and sickly.

“I’m glad you’re here dad, just-” 

“You want Carlos” 

“I-” TK hesitates, and Owen smiles encouragingly when he sees the change in demeanour “I really want him dad, I want to be with him”

Owen runs a hand through TK’s hair, pride filling his eyes as he nods his approval “Well son, that sounds like something you should tell Carlos when he gets back?”

“Tell me what?” TK’s eyes dart to the door and his face lights up at seeing Carlos there, two coffees in hand. Carlos beams back at him when he sees TK’s eyes open and looking his way “Hey, you’re awake”

TK wishes he could blame being high on painkillers for the dopey grin on his face as he returns the greeting with a giddy “Hi”, but he knows he’s not on anything that could cause the reaction. All he has to blame is the affection blooming in his chest.

Carlos moves closer and takes a seat besides Owen, quickly handing off both coffees so he can clasp TK’s hands within his own.

“I’m so glad you’re okay”

“Me too” TK agrees, before shyly stating “I’m glad you’re here”

Owen looks between the two and coughs lightly to get their attention “I’m just going to, do something, you two have some time alone while I’m doing that”

The words are joined by obvious hints as he stares at TK pointedly and jerks his head towards Carlos, mouthing ‘tell him’ even though Carlos can see him too. In response, TK musters up the strength to roll his eyes, his sarcasm clear as he remarks “Real subtle dad” 

Carlos chuckles as Owen makes a hasty exit and it had TK laughing too before his dry throat protests and turns it to a cough. Carlos is quick to help him sip water the same way his dad did, hands careful around TK’s as he helps him hold the cup.

When TK feels less like his throat is coated in dust Carlos pulls the cup away and sets it back down before asking “So, what did you want to tell me? Or was your dad interfering?”, then after a pause he backtracks, “You don’t have to tell me if you’re not ready, obviously”

It’s sweet, and considerate and TK feels that same affection spreading through his chest again. It’s accompanied by the same pang of fear that always plagues him, but he ignores it. His heart beats steady in his chest and his words are just as steady as they pass his lips.

“I want to be with you”

TK watches as those big brown eyes grow wider, mouth gaping slightly as he takes in TK’s words. TK watches the emotions flicker across his features, shock, awe, hope and then finally a sliver of uncertainty as his eyebrows pull closer together. He has a feeling about what Carlos is going to say before he even opens his mouth.

“TK you don’t need to-”

“I mean it, Carlos” TK assures him “I’m tired of running scared, I’m tired of letting what happened stop me from being happy. I want to be happy, and I want to be happy with you. If it’s still what you want, then I want to be with you”

Carlos’s affectionate smile lights up his eyes as he leans in closer and captures TK’s lips in a short, sweet kiss “There’s nothing I want more than you Tyler Kennedy”

TK bites his lips, clamping down on the tingling feeling left behind by Carlos and the first kiss they’ve ever shared just for the sake of kissing, and whispers “Good”

For a few moments they just stare at each other, basking in the moment, before they both break into soft, breathless laughter as their conjoined happiness bubbles over. 

They’re still lost in their own little bubble when Owen returns a few minutes later, trying to act innocent as he asks “So, did you two talk about anything interesting while I was gone doing something?”

TK shoots him an unimpressed look to match his dry words, “Don’t try and act like you weren’t eavesdropping”

“I was not” 

He’s always been a terrible liar, and now both men stare at him incredulously for no more than two seconds before he caves. 

“Okay fine, I was eavesdropping. Why don’t you complain when he calls you Tyler Kennedy?”

TK elects to ignore the question and groans out “I knew it, you’re a terrible gossip”

“Hey” Owen’s offended tone cuts through Carlos’s chuckles and stops them completely when he casually states “I wasn’t eavesdropping so I could gossip about it, I wanted to hear how you two finally got together so I can retell the story in my speech at your wedding”

Both Carlos and TK turn red at the mention of marriage, and Carlos reaches for his coffee and takes a sip to hide how much the word affects him. It’s a bad idea though, as he chokes on the hot liquid when TK sputters “We are so not getting married yet, dad!”

Owen places a hand on his back, and TK shoots him worried glances when he coughs to clear the liquid from his throat.

“You okay, son?” Owen asks and Carlos feels like his face is on fire. 

“Yet?” He asks, then almost facepalms at his own stupidity. The regret fades quickly though, as the corners of TK’s lips lift slightly towards his blushing cheeks, watching for Carlos’s reaction as he lets out a soft “Yeah, someday”

Carlos doesn’t know what to say, so he squeezes TK’s hand and claims his lips once again. It lasts slightly longer this time and sends heat spreading down both their necks as they feel the intensity behind it. When they pull apart, faces remaining close together TK allows himself to feel all the hope his heart pumps through him, eyes soft and vulnerable as they stare into the safety of Carlos’s gaze.

He let himself fall, but he knew Carlos would catch him.


End file.
